Things I Should Not Eat

According to various sources, the following will make me get fat, die of cancer, have bad brain functioning, smell bad, or otherwise turn me into a semi-perambulatory excrement pile


  1. Tomatoes
  2. Sugar
  3. Fake sugar
  4. High Fructose Corn Syrup
  5. CAFO-meat
  6. any red meat
  7. any meat
  8. any animal product
  9. refined grains
  10. any wheat
  11. any grain
  12. potatoes
  13. sweet potatoes
  14. corn
  15. french fries
  16. potato chips
  17. anything my ancestors didn’t eat for a million years
  18. anything cooked
  19. anything that tastes good
  20. anything with a health warning
  21. anything with a health claim
  22. anything domesticated
  23. farmed salmon
  24. farmed fish
  25. wild fish with too much mercury
  26. milk
  27. any dairy
  28. spicy food
  29. non-spicy food
  30. things with the wrong glycemic index
  31. things consumed at the wrong time of day
  32. things consumed in the wrong combination
  33. carbohydrates
  34. cholesterol
  35. saturated fats
  36. unsaturated fats
  37. protein
  38. soy
  39. bottled water
  40. unbottled water
  41. anything with caffeine
  42. any non-water drink
  43. fruit
  44. beans
  45. anything remotely like a bean in a taxological sense
  46. pizza
  47. anything fried
  48. anything that comes in a box or wrapper
  49. anything marked as “light”
  50. almonds
  51. peanuts
  52. any dietary supplements
  53. turkey
  54. anything cooked by someone else
  55. anything made in another county
  56. anything in a can
  57. bread
  58. pasta
  59. canola oil
  60. candy
  61. ice cream
  62. peanut butter
  63. anything from America
  64. anything not from Okinawa or a secluded Himalayan valley
  65. anything I didn’t kill myself
  66. anything with sodium
  67. anything without potassium
  68. diet food
  69. workout food
  70. things that are not diet food or workout food
  71. anything domesticated
  72. white rice
  73. brown rice
  74. food that isn’t organic
  75. food that isn’t raw
  76. food that is raw or organic
  77. margarine
  78. anything synthesized
  79. anything with a face
  80. fugu
  81. shellfish
  82. monkey brains
  83. herbs
  84. lasagna
  85. anything too acidic
  86. bananas
  87. eggplant with cucumber
  88. chocolate
  89. anything that didn’t get to run free when alive
  90. anything not from the farmer’s market
  91. anything irradiated
  92. anything genetically-modified
  93. anything that doesn’t rot
  94. anything advertised on television
  95. anything with long-named ingredients
  96. anything with more than five ingredients
  97. things I eat too quickly
  98. things I eat without appreciating
  99. things I eat alone
  100. anything my grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food

Essentially, in order to avoid a self-inflicted existence of crippling non-optimality, I can eat only Brazil nuts and wild truffles that I collect myself.


2 Responses to “Things I Should Not Eat”

  1. Shelley Chang Says:

    Become a level 5 vegan: don’t eat anything that casts a shadow.

  2. Jed Yang Says:

    Correction. You can eat only Brazil nuts and wild truffles that runs (89) that you collect yourself, but in the presence of others (99).

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