Travel to the distant stars… only to discover that what I was truly looking for was inside me all along.
(hint: it’s trace amounts of selenium).
Be where the people are. See them dancing. Walking around on those feet.
Climb Mount Ever. Then climb Mount Everer. Finally, climb Mount Everest.
Shoot fish in a barrel. The recoil of the gun breaks my collarbone and shoves me violently backwards just as the barrel explodes and I am dowsed me in a hundred gallons of water and fish guts, which knock me over the edge of a large cliff I was standing near for absolutely no reason. Tell people it was pretty easy.
Kill my grandfather first, then go back in time. If someone tells me I got the order wrong, say “What are you talking about? I can fucking time travel.”
Have a man light a cigar, blow smoke in my face, and say, “You know, we’re not so different, you and I.”
Write the book, “Introduction to Sexual Intercourse for Scientists and Engineers”
… after years of exhaustive research
urinate on a jellyfish
go to a bar with a priest and a rabbi and have absolutely nothing funny happen
skin about a hundred different cats, all in exactly the same way
tell someone a piece of information is on a need-to-know basis, and have them say some back besides “and I need to know!”
perform the Krebs cycle
make a self-referential entry on a list
get killed by an electric eel (this is not completely “before” I die, but I’ll allow an exception)
convince the internet that bacon is over-rated
and teach it how to use the word “comprise”
actually throw some shit at a fan, just so when anyone uses a certain expression, I can interrupt, ”well, let me tell you about this one time…”
pee openly in public when I’m out with my grandmother, and use the excuse that she doesn’t know where she is
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