Things To Do Before I Die

  • Play Lady Macbeth
  • Travel to the distant stars… only to discover that what I was truly looking for was inside me all along.
  • (hint: it’s trace amounts of selenium).
  • Be where the people are. See them dancing. Walking around on those feet.
  • Climb Mount Ever. Then climb Mount Everer. Finally, climb Mount Everest.
  • Shoot fish in a barrel. The recoil of the gun breaks my collarbone and shoves me violently backwards just as the barrel explodes and I am dowsed me in a hundred gallons of water and fish guts, which knock me over the edge of a large cliff I was standing near for absolutely no reason. Tell people it was pretty easy.
  • Kill my grandfather first, then go back in time. If someone tells me I got the order wrong, say “What are you talking about? I can fucking time travel.”
  • Have a man light a cigar, blow smoke in my face, and say, “You know, we’re not so different, you and I.”
  • Write the book, “Introduction to Sexual Intercourse for Scientists and Engineers”
  • … after years of exhaustive research
  • urinate on a jellyfish
  • go to a bar with a priest and a rabbi and have absolutely nothing funny happen
  • skin about a hundred different cats, all in exactly the same way
  • tell someone a piece of information is on a need-to-know basis, and have them say some back besides “and I need to know!”
  • perform the Krebs cycle
  • make a self-referential entry on a list
  • get killed by an electric eel (this is not completely “before” I die, but I’ll allow an exception)
  • convince the internet that bacon is over-rated
  • and teach it how to use the word “comprise”
  • actually throw some shit at a fan, just so when anyone uses a certain expression, I can interrupt, ”well, let me tell you about this one time…”
  • pee openly in public when I’m out with my grandmother, and use the excuse that she doesn’t know where she is
  • make peace with my jigsaw puzzles

2 Responses to “Things To Do Before I Die”

  1. feargy Says:

    Very nice list. I think I’d like to take comb and get to work on every blade of grass in a field to see what I find. A small field obviously.

  2. zuke Says:

    dude, someone threw shit in a fan at my highschool. it wasn’t pretty; the fan was one of the big, highspeed ones used to cool gyms.

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