a food review for The Tech
by A Canny Bull
You’re probably aware that human flesh is abundant, nutritive, and relatively easy to secure via Craigslist or abortion clinics, but is it really the decadent voyage into fine dining that everyone makes it out to be? Isn’t cannibalism illegal in California, or is that cannabis? This week, your food reviewers Dannah and Andrew decided to find out, by volunteering themselves to be eaten by M.E.
Costs incurred from cannibalism range from none, in case of smoothly-executed consumption of willing or unsuspecting targets, to exorbitant, when the violent thrashings of a still-screaming entrée cause severe gashes or broken bones requiring extended post-ingurgitation hospital stays.
Most neophyte cannibals begin with auto-cannibalism, including such simple acts as nail-biting and sucking a paper cut. This progresses to scab-eating, booger-chewing, and occasionally full-fledged feces recycling. Higher levels of cannibalism are achieved in eating other human beings. Generally one begins with prostitutes and works up to Senators. Rumors of rampant baby-eating are mostly sensational hype, or publicity stunts by amateurs cannibals just out for attention. A true cannibalistic connoisseur consumes only the highest-quality adult human flesh.
My meal began with an appetizer of a “four o’clock forty”, all of my two volunteers’ fingers and toes deep fried, stacked in a tower, and served with three sauces for dipping. While this presentation is perhaps a bit tacky, I found the crunchiness of Andrew’s toes contrasted pleasantly with the slightly-chewy texture of Dannah’s pinkies.
The biggest disappointment of the meal came when I was unable to touch my soup after being thoroughly disgusted by the presence of a human hair right in the middle of all my wonderful human blood and synovial fluid.
Things were looking up when I got to the eyeballs. They were simply sautéed lightly, allowing their natural lightness to come out through the pupils. Their pure taste served as a lens to focus my palate on the remainder of the meal.
Next I feasted on Andrew’s nervous system. I was feeling a bit uneasy about eating nerves, but quickly found they communicated their salty flavors quite well as I slurped them up. You get the message.
I only had a sliver of Dannah’s liver, but that sliver delivered a piquancy so ripe I quivered. I actually shivered as the sliver of liver slithered its way down my throat, a long meaty river. Dannah’s texture was so fantastic I can forgive her the slightly-withered taste that went with her sliver of slithering liver.
I gave it careful thought, and decided my dessert would be brains. I had to go easy of course (scrumptious, but so many calories!), but still deeply enjoyed my two dearly-departed food reviewers’ noggins.
I’ll be honest. Not just anyone has what it takes to be a cannibal. Only a truly refined gourmet can appreciate the subtlety and depth of composition of Andrew’s stomach, or understand the cautious interplay of tart and sweet conversing with each other through each bite of Dannah’s heart.
It’s a higher level of eating; it’s a higher level of existing. We may know how to work with each other, talk with each other, play with each other, and love each other, but only when we can learn at last to eat one another can we touch the world of the Gods.