Things I Should Not Eat

According to various sources, the following will make me get fat, die of cancer, have bad brain functioning, smell bad, or otherwise turn me into a semi-perambulatory excrement pile

 

1. Tomatoes
2. Sugar
3. Fake sugar
4. High Fructose Corn Syrup
5. CAFO-meat
6. any red meat
7. any meat
8. any animal product
9. refined grains
10. any wheat
11. any grain
12. potatoes
13. sweet potatoes
14. corn
15. french fries
16. potato chips
17. anything my ancestors didn’t eat for a million years
18. anything cooked
19. anything that tastes good
20. anything with a health warning
21. anything with a health claim
22. anything domesticated
23. farmed salmon
24. farmed fish
25. wild fish with too much mercury
26. milk
27. any dairy
28. spicy food
29. non-spicy food
30. things with the wrong glycemic index
31. things consumed at the wrong time of day
32. things consumed in the wrong combination
33. carbohydrates
34. cholesterol
35. saturated fats
36. unsaturated fats
37. protein
38. soy
39. bottled water
40. unbottled water
41. anything with caffeine
42. any non-water drink
43. fruit
44. beans
45. anything remotely like a bean in a taxological sense
46. pizza
47. anything fried
48. anything that comes in a box or wrapper
49. anything marked as “light”
50. almonds
51. peanuts
52. any dietary supplements
53. turkey
54. anything cooked by someone else
55. anything made in another county
56. anything in a can
57. bread
58. pasta
59. canola oil
60. candy
61. ice cream
62. peanut butter
63. anything from America
64. anything not from Okinawa or a secluded Himalayan valley
65. anything I didn’t kill myself
66. anything with sodium
67. anything without potassium
68. diet food
69. workout food
70. things that are not diet food or workout food
71. anything domesticated
72. white rice
73. brown rice
74. food that isn’t organic
75. food that isn’t raw
76. food that is raw or organic
77. margarine
78. anything synthesized
79. anything with a face
80. fugu
81. shellfish
82. monkey brains
83. herbs
84. lasagna
85. anything too acidic
86. bananas
87. eggplant with cucumber
88. chocolate
89. anything that didn’t get to run free when alive
90. anything not from the farmer’s market
91. anything irradiated
92. anything genetically-modified
93. anything that doesn’t rot
94. anything advertised on television
95. anything with long-named ingredients
96. anything with more than five ingredients
97. things I eat too quickly
98. things I eat without appreciating
99. things I eat alone
100. anything my grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food

Essentially, in order to avoid a self-inflicted existence of crippling non-optimality, I can eat only Brazil nuts and wild truffles that I collect myself.

About these ads