I went to see Avatar because it’s a movie about the future, which is where I plan to live one day. But I screwed up. I watched it wrong. I read some reviews and blog posts about the movie after getting home, and I learned about all the stuff I had missed.
When I left the theater, I thought that the movie was, surprisingly, worth the 14 bucks. The plot was cliche and full of holes and the dialogue was weak, but the point of going wasn’t to see a great film; it was to be entertained in 3D without having to sit through an opera.
What I learned from reviews was that the movie wasn’t just a cliche. It was a racist cliche. After reading blog posts and their comments about how the movie was racist, and then how the people saying the movie was racist were racist, and then how the people saying that were the racistest ever, I was beginning to think I should go back and see the whole thing over again, just to make sure I got the full racist experience.
I won’t though. I’m out of fourteen-dollar bills. Still, I do have a theory about it. I think James Cameron made the movie racist on purpose, just so people would talk about that rather than saying 3D movies are cheesy. No one wants to write a review that says “This movie is racist,” because if you do you’re a grump. So instead, they write reviews that say, “This movie is racist, but 3D part is a rich, stimulating visual experience.” If Cameron had foolishly made the movie good, he’d have gotten reviews that said, “It’s a shame he wasted such a promising film concept on this gimmick.”
So in conclusion, this movie is genius in its deviousness. Still, if it had been my movie, I’d have written at least one scene differently.
Hot Blue Chick: Now that you have become one of the people, it is your right to choose a woman.
Fake Blue Guy: a woman?
HBC: Nefergerbloch is the best singer.
FBG: But I don’t want Nefergerbloch.
HBC: Gurglesplot is a great hunter.
FBG: She is a great hunter, but I’ve chosen.
FBG: But the woman I’ve chosen must also choose me.
HBC: She already has
FBG leans in towards HBC
HBC: What are you doing?
FBG: What? I was going to kiss you.
HBC: Kiss? Who do you think we are? Just because the Na’vi look like humans except with blue skin and botched nose jobs, you think our mating rituals should be the same as yours? And just because all the animals here look exactly like analogous Earth animals, except made more creepy if they’re bad and more magical if they’re good and then given an extra pair of legs, and just because we can learn each other’s languages, and our genomes are close enough to be mixed together by human biologists even though we evolved in completely noninteracting biomes, and just because we Na’vi organize ourselves into social structures like human ones and fit into archetypal human personalities and we experience the human gamut of emotional responses, just because of all that you think we kiss the same?
FBG: Well, yeah, I guess so. I mean, you use bows and arrows like people, and you ride pterodactyls like the cavemen did, so yeah, I just figured it would work the same in other ways.
HBC: Excuse me, you know we’re a science fiction race, right? Obviously we’ll make almost everything the same except a couple of strange exotic things to distract from our inventor’s lack of originality and the audience’s inability to adapt to anything different from themselves. And obviously alien sex needs to be super strange and exotic, hence one of the few things different about us.
FBG: Yeah I know you’re a science fiction race. I mean, duh. Half you people have apostrophes in your names.
HBC: Okay that’s it.
FBG: What’s it? What are you talking about?
HBC: Go away.
FBG: Why? But we were just about to…
HBC: I’m mad at you.
FBG: What for?
HBC: You know.
FBG: No, I really don’t. Was it something I said? I mean, give me a hint.
HBC: If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.
FBG: Oh, come on.
HBC: You said, “You People.”
FBG: No, I didn’t.
HBC: Yes you did. Don’t try to get out of this. You said, “Half you people have apostrophes in your names.”
FBG: Oh, but I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t mean it like that.
HBC: If you didn’t mean it, then why did you say it?
FBG: It just sort of slipped out. Come on. You know how much I care about you. I deserted the Colonel for you, and went back on my word, and changed the whole purpose of my life for you…
HBC: Oh, great, so you’re not just a bigot. You’re a flip-flopping bigot. Is that it?
FBG: No. Neytiri, don’t do this to me. I need you. I’m nothing without you. Nothing, like, this fungus here.
FBG picks up some fungus and crumples it in his hand. It sifts between his giant fingers and falls back to the ground.
HBC: That fungus represents the spirit of my my ancestors.
FBG: Oh, shit, oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything. I just, I just, I don’t know, I’m…
HBC: Oh, shut up. I was lying. It’s just fungus. I’m just trying to get in the mood, you know. This has all been foreplay. Whimpering, cowardly men are a total turn-on for Na’vi women.
HBC: Oh yeah. Now get into this position so I can perform Ikkitikpowchungalokkimumbojumboploopygorp on you.
FBG: What’s that?
FBG: Sweet! Getting laid in avatar form is doubly-awesome for me because in real life I’m a cripple and my penis doesn’t work.